I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
