Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
