WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
