please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
