i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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