you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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