the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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