Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
