Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Randomize
