I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
