but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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