Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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