The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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