I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
That was before I lit my hair on fire
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
