I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
