I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
