1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
