After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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