How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
