i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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