I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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