How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
