I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
