The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
