i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
