I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
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The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
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You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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