maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
