found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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