The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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