Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
