I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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