I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
