Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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