I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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