There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
ttyl tear gas
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
