I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Sober January is a disaster.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
