I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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