Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Terrible idea I love it
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I did not marry a roomba.
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