He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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