I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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