Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
