I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
