I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
