so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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