I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
