I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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