The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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