Just fell off a train. Bad.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
