Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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