btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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