is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
