dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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