how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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