A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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