I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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