I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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