Just fell off a train. Bad.
Sponge bath it is.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
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In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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