If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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