I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
