Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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