and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
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The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
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Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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