So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
