My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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